1.9.11

A sudden change of events (‘role reversal…, reversible roles…’)  An agreement to redefine our memories of the last week.  We need to learn how to argue.  What was the argument?  Is this us learning love?

Sometimes I wish I could re-answer questions.

Q:  why do you like me?

Correct answer: When I look at you, I see a good heart and an agile mind.  I see in you the possibility to do/be someone great.  I believe in you.

I thank lambchop for introducing me to this song:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xbqe_GajtQ

I just spent far too long thinking, listening, and learning to play that song.  So I’m going to end it here.  

1.6.11

I feel like this should be going somewhere.  Like there needs to be some sort of boundary or limitation.  An empty piece of word document is really intimidating.

In break-neck frenzy you mislocate

objects your heart desires.

Forging memories to avoid the dissonance.

I guess I’d ultimately like to have a repository of writing that I can cull lyrics from.  And I guess I’d also like to become a better writer.  As well as document thoughts and feelings.  I guess most people use a diary.  I think a certain aspect of public humiliation is probably good for me, though.  To think about perception.  Though one could argue that I already think about that too much.

Whoa.  I just read the title for a paper named ‘ global tissue revolutions in a morphogenetic movement controlling elongation’.  I have no idea what that means, but I like how it sounds.

I like how this sounds too:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tk4ijt8VqsY&feature=related

1.5.11

Can we see in white-walled futures, an innocent perfection, emerge from promiscuous presents?  A fresh blanket of snow washing away our sins.  For it to feel right to be here. 

Mostly I feel like I’m in middle school.  A lack of emotional maturity.  A man?  Why do I place value in stoicism?

So I  missed yesterday.  and this is the morning after.  despite masochistic tendencies, I will not exact punishment on myself.  I’m too hedonistic.  Not to say I didn’t try.   Of most, it consisted of:

Pants?

I mean, sometimes that’s all there is to say.  For some reason “disarm” by the smashing pumpkins keeps coming to mind.  

1.3.11

I guess I’ll start with something I’ve previously written.  It seems to find a way of repeating itself.  Maybe it will spark something new.

/

This state has a story.

Networks of decisions reflecting past lineages.

We let flesh remain a divider.

    I lacking confidence.

    You boastful, proud.

It’s more a matter of experience than age,

    bringing understanding,

    expanding tastes.

Searching for attraction both physical and mental,

    It will be the story that holds me.

That I love.

    An ability to describe the history to the way things are.

    The challenge to not resist change.

/

so I found this interesting:  http://www.npr.org/templates/transcript/transcript.php?storyId=132591244

Synopsis:  human brain size started shrinking 20,000 years ago.  Domesticated animals (decreased aggression, increased cooperatively) have smaller brains.  Correlation? 

So I guess this is probably going to get a little nerdy, but I’ll just roll with it.  I mean, smaller?  Why?  Is there just less over all?  (decreased cell cycle number?) or are just certain parts of it missing? What gene(s) have undergone selective pressure in the last 20000 years?  How was/is this selected for?  Is it really responsible for our increased cooperativity?   Can we select for it?  Should we? 

Man, I think part of me likes this story because I still have idealistic hopes for a global society built on cooperation.  Blame it on star trek.  A mass realization that ‘we’re all in this together, yo’.  I guess I just wish I didn’t have to wait for biology, and multiple generations.  I’m not sure if i believe we have to.

What’s the difference between personal growth and cultural growth?  Is cultural change a collection of people changing?

1.2.11

So I feel I must force myself to do this.

At least one hour a day.

Does making it public make it happen?

I intend for this to be something.  An activity for myself?  Maybe.

I don’t really expect anyone to read this.  It’s mostly for me.  An exercise; some days more painful than others.

I’m not going to limit myself to no backspace or selection delete.  If this is going to be public, then I will have control over what is made public.  Though I’ll try and refrain from removing something once posted. 

This is strange. 

I’m ok with that.

Part of this feels like this is an external dialogue with an anonymous (i also permit spellcheck) person.  Though also a dictated thought.   Sentence structure is less relevant than diction and punctuation.  I’m not going to trust Microsoft word.

I guess I trust you.  You took the time.

Rebound. Rebound. Rebound. Ready? Ok!  (music lyrics may pop in here on occasion).

Sometimes I think words are too hard and my brain fails to transduce (I disagree word[proper noun], that is a word!) thought (feeling?) into word.  Call me shy.

Wow.  It’s taken me 45 minutes to write this.  Maybe I’m just a slow thinker.

It takes time to progress forward,

to move on;

to forget one’s original intent and forge another.

Forge my name?

Change.

With the best of self-interest,

always in  mind: this will happen,

just give it time.

In the waiting hour

I flee toward dark

(a celestial landscape cloaked).

Keep unspoken the thoughts

bringing to light

emotions feeling

tender.

In a balance of

gustatory and cerebral reactions,

I say ‘in another timeline’.

It could have happened,

if it took less time to

change

desire.

I don’t know if I believe that.  Sometimes I feel like this is a pendulum.  I vacillate toward polar sentiments depending on mood.  It all depends.  Is it always ‘gonna be be sudden, […] strange’, Fiona?

I’m gonna end it here.  It’s been a bit more than an hour.  I blame the golden monkeys.  I just made a sandwich.